Damnit
by IrishSmurph
Summary: Olivia visits Alex's grave and curses the woman still haunting her. Post GHOST. ANGST warning


Disclaimer: Neither belong to me, I'm just borrowing them for this moment  
Fandom: S.V.U.  
Pairing: Benson/Cabot  
Rating: PG-13 mainly for language and angst  
A/N: Okay so I'm having one of my 'Down' days and while I was trying to write the next part of my Action series this kinda just came out. It's unbeta'd, you've been warned. And I took a few liberties with the quote from the show. Enjoy, if ya don't that's okay. Later.

-=-

Olivia stood in front of the gravestone, hands stuffed deep in the pockets of her jacket and eyes dark with tumultuous emotions. She didn't know why she kept coming back here. She had begun to come as a favor to Victoria, so she wouldn't have to visit her daughter's grave alone. But now, both Cabot women were gone and Olivia still found herself here. Why? Why was she doing this to herself? There wasn't any body six feet under her shoes; she knew that for a fact.

But in a weird way this was the last bit of Alex she had. That she probably would ever have. Shaking fingers combed through her hair as her head tipped back and her eyes closed. When she had come just after Victoria died and before Alex had made her miraculous 'return from the dead', it hadn't hurt this bad. Why?

…  
Because their relationship had changed.

When Alex came back they weren't co-workers, they didn't really even have the relationship of cop/victim to hide behind. It was just two women with a past together in a hellish job and a tension that had always seemed present. The night ran vividly through Olivia's inner eye, of the high rise building and Alex standing by the window, looking out at the bustling nightlife below. She'd looked so elegant, even dressed down as she was, but there was also a frailty there that had tugged at Olivia's heart.

They'd spent a few hours catching up, learning the lives of one another since they'd parted.

_"You making any friends?" Olivia asked, taking a sip of her beer, dark eyes never straying from the blonde in front of her._

Alex gave a non-committal shrug, a long finger playing with the mouth of her bottle as blue eyes stared out the window. "There's a claims adjuster at the insurance agency where I work. We've been seeing each other. He's a good man. He thinks I'm from Tulsa. And when we're in bed together at night, he whispers my name…Emily."

Olivia swallowed, keeping back the bile at the knowledge of Alex's...or is it Emily's?...current beau. Licking her lips she whispered, "It's hard to be someone that you're not."

"If it means not getting killed…it's not too bad," Alex said with another careless shrug. "I just wish…"

"What?"

Alex laughed softly, a wistful sound that had Olivia unconsciously sliding closer on the couch, wanting to give comfort. "I just wish I could figure out what I want."

"What do you mean?"

"A part of me…a part of me enjoys being Emily. I live a simple life, no murders, no rapes, nothing of that nature. I've got normal friends, a normal boyfriend…I eat breakfast, lunch and dinner at regular times and when I open the newspaper the headlines aren't about a horror fest that happened the night before."

"And the other part?"

Alex finally turned to look at Olivia, blue eyes cloudy with something the Detective couldn't name. "I miss being Alexandra Cabot, the ADA that brings scumbags to justice and gets final justice for the dead. I miss my friends…hell I even missed Munch's comment and Petrosky throwing me in jail for contempt."

"Really?" Olivia asked, eyes widening in surprise.

Alex snorted and shook her head, "Up until the being thrown in jail part. But everything and everyone else I miss." A long hand reached out and rested on Olivia's. "I also miss this. I miss having a friend that knows exactly what I've seen and who understands why I do what I do. I never got the chance to tell you before I left.'

Olivia licked her lips again, secretly enjoying the warm, soft skin covering her own. She also felt the sting of tears as she thought back to the months in Alex's absence. "I missed that too."

Alex smiled softly and moved forward, pulling the darker woman into a hug.

Olivia pulled herself from the past, unwilling to relieve the rest of the night. It hurt too much. But her mind had other ideas. _'Damnit.'_

Olivia found herself leaning backwards and pulling Alex on top of her. Both friends rested quietly, sucking up the closeness that they each desperately missed. Neither wanted to think about what was to come tomorrow or even what had happened in the past. They were only focused on the here and now.

Alex rested her head on Olivia's chest, her hand resting on the strong shoulder as equally strong and comforting hands wrapped around her. Olivia closed her eyes, enjoying the feel of the woman immensely. It had been a while now since she'd seen the blonde as more then just a friend and at the moment this was a bitter sweet pleasure.

"Olivia…" Her name was whispered, almost like a spoken caress. Her eyes opened to see Alex looking down at her, blue eyes holding once more that nameless look from before.

"Alex…what…"

"Say that again…" Alex whispered, her lips descending.

"Damnit," Olivia snarled, trying to tear her mind away from the memory. She had said the blonde's name, often that night. Neither thought of the coming trial, the claims adjuster that was dating Emily or even the consequences of what their actions meant. All they thought of was one another and feeling like themselves once more.

But the next day Alex had testified then simply left again, left to her 'normal' life as Emily from Tulsa. A part of Olivia knew that it was going to happen; Hammond had spoken with her and said that it sometimes happens with Protectees. But now Olivia had tasted the sweetness that was Alexandra Cabot and was hooked.

_'Since when am I a fucking poet?'_ She growled at herself silently, eyes never straying from the headstone. Anger began to bubble in her chest. The kind of anger reserved for those that felt they'd been used then discarded. "Fuck you, Alex. You knew you were leaving…you knew and we…damnit damnit damnit." She clenched her hands into fists and spun on her heel, storming back to her car. She couldn't…wouldn't come back again. As far as she was concerned Alexandra Cabot was dead, she wasn't coming back so no need to have a constant reminder.

Her memories were bad enough.


End file.
